I’d like to introduce you to guest blogger and my sister, Donna. Donna is awesome writer and is the funniest person on the planet, second only to me. This is a short story she wrote and the photographs that detail our adventure are from my phone along the way.
Oh! And also, this story is her copyright. Any reproduction without proper citation will result in massive potholes in the Miami metropolitan area and for all teddy bears heads to be sewn to their butts.
** AN ADDED DISCLAIMER **
I would like to emphasize that my sister and I are both normal looking people:
But when you’ve seen the things we’ve seen, you change. You become wizened with experience, but with that experience comes a burden. Do not judge us for how we appear as the photographs progress. Donna will try to give you lessons, so you can avoid the moments that caused the pre-mature gray and bouts of mild hysteria.
A SINGLE LESBIAN’S SEVEN STEPS TO GAY DAYS:
AN ADVENTURE IN BABIES, BANANAS AND A MONKEY
No matter whether you’re gay or straight “Gay Days at Disneyland” is truly one of the best times one can experience in their life. There are pool parties and dance parties, group boat rides and ice-cream socials. Just the opportunity to watch a 250-pound man resembling a lumberjack almost come to tears when he’s able to hug Mickey Mouse is well worth the price of admission. I think most gay people would say that the optimum scenario of attending such an awesome event would be to go with your significant other, with the kids, or even single with a bunch of your friends. But I think they’re selling the straight population a little short. Going against the grain I made the unconventional choice of asking my younger, straight sister and her two boys–a three year-old toddler and an infant just four months old–to join me on my adventure. Not only was my first “Gay Days” memorable, but I was able to take away from it a few indispensable nuggets of wisdom. It would be utterly tragic if I neglected to educate others with my newfound pearls; so, I encourage you to grab a pen and make some notes in the margin. That will make it easier to convert everything to memory later.
#1. SUPERVISION: Make sure you know where the monkey (and its tail) is AT ALL TIMES. What is the monkey? It’s that hideous looking backpack in the shape of an animal that has a detachable tail. I know what you’re thinking and I’ve said it to myself a million times, “What a horrible contraption! I would never make my kid wear that!” Yeah, for me that way of thinking lasted about five minutes after we entered the park when my three year-old nephew spotted Goofy and made a break for it. I looked at my sister and said, “Okay, give me the fuckin’ monkey!” The thing is, it WILL become your best friend because you know what’s worse than people giving you dirty looks for fastening the cub with something that resembles a dog leash so that you don’t lose your kid? Actually LOSING your kid!
#2. ENJOYMENT: Ah, I love amusement park rides: roller coasters, water rides, carousels. I’ve even been known to get excited while waiting in line to get on Winnie the Pooh. But here’s the thing: you’re not on ‘your’ time; you’re on ‘kid’ time. You will inevitably end up doing and seeing everything that the kid wants. It can be a little unnerving at first; but I GUARANTEE the first time you see them do something cute that makes you laugh, all you’ll want to do is follow them around the park. I just about died from laughter when my three year-old nephew, while getting on Pirates of the Caribbean, walked up to the attendant helping us into the boat, pointed at her and yelled, “YOU’RE A SCURVY DOG!” She was taken aback a tad, but the rest of us sure enjoyed it.
#3. FOOD: This one is a bit tricky, but enormously important. First, the good news: kid’s meals at the big D-Land are really inexpensive and three year-olds don’t eat that much. You could give them three bites of a cheese quesadilla and some chocolate milk and they’re ready to run a marathon. HOWEVER, the bad news is if the fuel tank of said rug-rat dips below a certain point they then become the devil incarnate. At one point, while the three year-olds head was spinning around, I had to push my way to the front of a fruit stand line to retrieve a banana. Now, there was some grumbling by the other patrons I’d shoved past, to which I replied, “You see the demon spawn over there? If I don’t shove a banana in his mouth then we’re all going to suffer!” They were very obliging; you know some people can be surprisingly helpful. So remember, pack snacks: a lot of them.
#4. SLEEP: Now, I love a good party as much as the next homosexual and I realize that the ‘thumpa thumpa’ from the hotel next to yours can be pretty tempting. However, remember that there’s a reason why its 9:30 PM and you’re in your room already, feet throbbing, looking into the mirror and wondering why it looks as if you got your ass kicked by an angry hairdresser. You can’t let them get the drop on you; you have to be ready. So get plenty of sleep unless you want to end up the following night with a pulled muscle and Cheerios in your hair.
#5. THE INFANT: Oh, they’re cute and cuddly and smell nice when the day starts out, but beware this can be extremely misleading. First and foremost, if the wee one is asleep DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DISTURB ITS SLUMBER. Trust me, you want this one nocturnal as much as possible. Taking one kid to Disneyland is tough enough; taking two can, in extreme circumstances, cause psychosis. Secondly, sudden attacks of projectile vomit will occur without warning. The little one could actually be smiling and showing absolutely no signs of distress beforehand so be alert. It’s also good to note that the baby should NOT be swung around after downing a sizeable amount of breast milk.
#6. SEX: You would think that a lesbian’s attendance at an event such as “Gay Days” would draw a certain amount of opportunities in the ‘hook up’ arena. Under normal circumstances yes, however with sister and nephews in tow–all wearing matching shirts with baby barf on them–it puts a small kink in the mojo department. So, if you would like your “Gay Days” to abound with sexual proclivities then I highly suggest that you go with a group of single friends who would be more than happy to ply you with alcohol and be your wing women.
#7. GETTING ALL THAT YOU CAN OUT OF YOUR EXPERIENCE: Now, with keeping all of the helpful hints outlined in numbers one through six in mind, I’ve left THE best and most important tip for last. The most valuable commodity to have on any trip is a partner in crime. Whether it’s a quick day trip to the beach or a week-long extravaganza to the “Happiest Place on Earth,“ make your traveling companion decision wisely. Make sure they are dependable, knowledgeable and above all have a great sense of humor. If you follow these very effective seven steps your “Gay Days,” or really any adventure, will certainly be memorable.
My sister Stephenie is the funniest person I know and on the first day at the park I was 100% sure that I had made the right choice. We came up to a bench where two young women were sitting; she parked the stroller, with her four-month old angel sleeping soundly inside, looked directly at the women and said, “Hi, we’re going to go ride that train right there, is it okay if I leave him here with you?” With the sun shining and the look of terror on that young girl’s face, I knew it was going to be a good trip.
You can navigate through the worst Disneyland meltdowns with a good partner in crime, but you cannot avoid them. Follow the guidelines listed above to avoid looking like this: